How to buy roses

15Mar08

I figured it out, so for any men wandering about, let me share. I finally worked out how to buy flowers.

I have done flowers a few times before, but it never really worked. Always seemed to get me further into trouble, or leave Z thinking I am cheap because I ONLY spent thirty bucks on them. Sure, a few times its been net positive, flowers when going shopping before a dinner party, for the table, is never a bad thing, and birthday flowers, along with a bigger gift has been appreciated, but I’ve always wanted to have a bunch of flowers be a big deal, there is a little romantic in me, after all.

Step one: Timing… This means not when you are in trouble, but when trouble is sniffing around the door. Let me explain… Zizz and I had a little blow up over the weekend, then the dust settled. Then she got all pissy with her biz partner, and lost a good friend, at the same time. You know the drill, end of the relationship, really let down, betrayed by this and that. (Not that I don’t care, I do the depths of her feelings on this, its not my story to tell, and guys just rarely work that way.) Back to the point… the very next morning I get a fire drill phone call, and leave before the ritual coffee delivery and back-rub for Zizz. Normally this would probably add up to a fight sooner or later. Perfect timing for a flower gesture.

Step two: The purchase… I have always picked a bunch up at the grocery store, or stopped in at the florist thats on the way home. The mistake here is that I am a lousy flower picker outer, and they always see me coming at the florist. I end up with shitty vase, three nice flowers that last a weekend, and a bad attitude. This time I made the best decision in the world,I walked up to the department director’s personal executive assistant, and said, I need a favor, handed her my card, and asked her if she’d mind doing this for me. In other words, I went to an expert, happy to help, who knows the best flower shops in town.

Step three: The flowers. In this case yellow roses, need to have a special meaning, or be her favorites, or both. Trust me, think hard, you know she has mentioned flowers a bazillion times, and you don’t ever remember their names, well next time write them down or something. If you really don’t know, call her friend. The card can be short, sweet, or a love sonnet, if you want, but don’t fret about this part, hit it out of the park if you can, or just relax, and go with something easy, like “Smoochie bunny, …because you deserve these every day, from your lover.” (make sure that if you use a generic signature like lover that you use a very specific indicator that YOU are the sender, like a pet name that only you use. and while I am handing out warnings, depending on the season, her taste in flowers, your location, etc. this is gonna run you big bucks. Rule of thumb, spend as much on these flowers as you would on a nice meal, and I don’t mean the golden arches.

Step four: Delivery. Thats right, have them delivered. To her work, if at all possible. She wants them seen. She wants people asking about them!

Step five: The call. If you have done everything right, you are going the get a very happy phone call. And if you are like me, you are going to be in the middle of an important meeting, or about to tee off on the second, or flirting with the department director’s personal executive assistant. Just say “Honey, I’m so glad you like them, will you send me a picture from your cell phone, so I can enjoy them too? gotta go, though, I really do think you deserve them though.”

Step six: The conversation when you see her next. Make sure you ask her everything you can. Ask her how they got delivered. “Who saw them? Did you know immediately that they were from me? Was so and so they bitchy shrew in the next office impressed? Were you surprised? Did you like the card?”

Step seven: ??? (I was gonna link to a nice smutty image, but I figure you can find your own if you really want to.)

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