Dear Zizz

14Feb08

Happy Valentines Day.

If you told me, back in the darkest days of our separation, how happy we would be, (and you did) how deeply in love we should be, (and you did) how connected and sharing it could be between us, I am sure I would have simply closed up even more emotionally, became defensive, attacked you verbally. (and I did).

I remember you begging me to wake up, snap out of it. Those were dark days for us. I was living by putting one foot in front of the other, and there were many days I wasn’t sure how to go on. I invented many reasons to despise you, and at the same time I honestly tried to break free of my depression, tried to regain your respect, but wasn’t capable. I tried many times to tell you that there were pieces missing from my puzzle, pieces I was sure you had, and you tried so hard to show me where to go to get those missing pieces.

Yesterday marks two months and a day since you sent me a text saying “Come home now.” eight and a half weeks since the day that you decided to literally beat some sense into me, punish me to the same extend that I had hurt you. 62 days since you proved to me in a very literal and demonstrative way that you had never once been capable of intentionally hurting me, and probably never would.

After 6 years trashing the halls of marriage, by disolving it we have finally started to learn how to talk, how to listen, how to respect. How incredibly sad that we had to break it down, brick by fucking brick, to the point where there was almost nothing left shared between us before we could learn to trust. How wonderfull to discover all around us the building materials to put this house back together, in a new, smarter way. How amazingly lucky we are to build and devote this shelter of love to our Lovely.

You have often told me that when we met, you fell in love with my potential. Silly girl, I am the eternal underachiever. Partly because of Mrs Goodwin, and every wretched, miserable teacher stuck in the job because they don’t have the balls to quit. More truthfully, because I hate being molded, I see in every person who challenges me someone trying to impose their mark upon me. Even more truthfully, because I get paralyzed by failure. I failed us in a devastatingly selfish way. I saw you as a crazy bitch with no grasp on reality (sorry, opinion, not fact) and used that as a smokescreen to hide the fact that I was an overwhelmed and under-equipped fool sliding into a pattern of abusive behavior. About that potential though, it is still there. In fact, I think you have seen me move in great strides towards it. Lovely pulls me towards it every day. My career pulls me towards it, and now that I have stopped fighting you, and you have stopped pushing on the rope, you pull me towards it. Teaching me every day how to be a bigger man.

I stopped at the bar for a beer tonight, ran into Mr Mo. He mentioned the farmers market, and when I told him I hadn’t been once last year, he gave me this pitying look. I explained to him that I was depressed last summer, and had hidden in my house. I don’t know if he cared, but to me, admitting it, just stating the facts, not attaching a huge burden to it, was a novel, new way to be. I like the easy way. So much more than I like choking up, or getting angry that what? That he hadn’t gragged my ass to the farmers market?

So, this is the new me. I still don’t do the dishes every day, or send flowers every month. I do work out, take time for me, write, process, talk, cry. I am starting to trust this pattern of behavior, to see the benefits, and I think I’ll stick to it. For me. For Lovely, For us.

All of this is just preamble to what I really want to say.

I hear you loud and clear when you say you don’t want to be married, and especially not to me. I can live with that, quite easily actually, because I also feel the depth of your heart when you say you love me, and for the first time in years, I feel the depths of emotion and feeling in my own heart towards you. I happily forsake the term “husband”.

Lovers, friends, partners, allies.

Thank you for leading the process, for leading us on this path, I walk beside you, yet you lead.

To any readers who made it this far, sorry to get all deep on you, but this space has become one of strength and comfort to me. It is also a place I know I will stumble back over these words, hopefully in the same easy, comfortable mindframe I have right now, but possibly angry, or bitter. When I do, I hope they help me.

Filed under: About me   |  3 Comments
Tags: complicated situation, divorce, happy/sad, love