So what does it all mean?

10Feb08

After these two posts, I am sure both my readers are wondering “What about the lover?” Well, thats me, of course, so let me fill you in. I heard about Brie and David before, Zizz met them at a party on a girls weekend in Vegas, in September or October. If you have been keeping track, Zizz and I started being lovers in the first week of December, prior to that, in the bad old days of our separation, we were both certain that divorce was eminent.

The party turned out to be a swingers event. She, Brie and Dave enjoyed a threesome that did not involve her being penetrated, did involve oral, hands, and other fun things. Immediately after we reconnected she told me about it, I put my mind into the frame of “she did this when we were apart, no foul.” Also, Zizz has made it clear since then that she does not want the same monogamous relationship we suffered throughout our marriage, she wants to explore polyamory, or swinging, or open marriage, or some mingled form of these philosophies. She has said many times in those discussions that she views me as her primary partner, her most treasured lover. We have discussed a few possibilities with Brie and Dave, with N, whom I haven’t mentioned before, and some others, but played it slow and safe (so far.) I have to say, it intrigues me, I am not the jealous type, occasionally to the extent as to provoked a negative reaction in Zizz, “didn’t you see him flirting with me, it was outrageous! Why aren’t you jealous?” During our marriage she was intensely suspicious, jealous and threatened by most of my friendships relationships with other women (I did cheat once, typical idiot maneuver, a business trip to Florida, perhaps I should share that story too. I am no angel, folks. I also got very flirty, came close to cheating with a close friend of hers who turned out to very bad news.)

Brie and Dave are seasoned swingers. They obviously find my lover to be very attractive, who wouldn’t? She has told them much about our situation, both when they hooked up, when her mindframe was “single and deserve it,” and now, with me as her lover. They are open to meeting me, when the timing is right.

As soon as I got back from Denver she told me all about Steven. My first reaction was to give Zizz the fucking she deserved for such behavior (epic, wonderful, hard, erotic, tender, prolonged. I came four times, she lost count.) Then came some needy, overly sensitive days, the first day I was a bit numb, the second a bit blue. Hearing about plans she has made with Brie and David gave me chills, made me scared of losing Zizz. I didn’t want to let her out of my sight for a second, but she has never responded well to that. She assures me Steven was an opportunity too good to pass up, and we have had a long standing agreement about those, she assures me it was a one time thing, he lives across country, it was a strictly one time event. She says she will respect my sensitivities about her with single men. Not for ever, just for now.

As for David and Brie, I am interested. I have to say, I don’t find them nearly as threatening as the prototypical single guy, since they have their own alliegence to support and nurture. On the other hand, would they be able to make a bridge from their current view of “Zizz their unicorn” to “Zizz, partnered with [Vince].” For that matter, is Zizz even interested in that? We have discussed a possible low-key social event to try it out. In the mean time, I have asked Zizz not to attend a lingerie party they invited her to, as I would be unable to go, I just felt it was coming on a bit too fast for me to adapt, amongst many other things.

So fucking complex, really, and putting it down in bits and bytes seems like the most absurd reduction and trivialization. I couldn’t capture in a novel all the emotions I have. How deeply I love Zizz, how happy I am that she loves me. I think it comes down to this: I’d rather be dead than bored. This is not boring.

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